The Chosen One
by QuillOfCrumpleHornedSnorkacks
Summary: Hermione Granger,the most brilliant witch of her time has set it upon herself to find a husband. So read through this hilarious concoction of Hermione's many rejections. But will she find 'The Chosen One' that fate has chosen for her to be with?CRACK R&R!
1. The Bald and The Beautiful

**The Bald and the Beautiful**

Hermione Granger, the world renowned witch and best friend of Harry Potter, 'The Boy Who Lived' woke up from her peaceful and much needed slumber. She slept with her eyes closed mulling happily over her 27 days of Marriage with the red-bronze haired sidekick of Harry, Ron Weasley. Of course being best friend to a widely known hero and just married to the man with the most gorgeous red hair in all of London put a nearly permanent smile on her face since the 15th of July, the day Ron and Hermione finally wed live everyone knew they would.

Why should they think otherwise anyhow? Especially, she thought 'As I get to run my fingers through his hair and wake him with a sweet good morning kiss. I really do hope he liked his present.'

Ah, little did Ms. Granger know that as she her hand strayed to where Ron's silky locks lay she would find a shiny new scalp that shone like a fresh new galleon.

'OH SHIT!' swore the supposedly proper and demure Hermione as her hand came into contact with something round, something smooth and something DEFINITELY hairless.

Ron stirred in his sleep; he frowned as he was having a great dream involving a harem of beautiful women serving him while he floated effortlessly on his wide, family sized broom which was gold plated and came with an inbuilt pillow procuring system. He groaned in disapproval as Hermione's usually gentle hand tapped at his head and it hurt too. His scalp felt bizarrely tender and sensitive this morning.

'Gah, Mione! Stop tapping my head, it hurts!' he screamed in frustration at her incessant attempts at knocking at his scalp.

Only to find Hermione seated at the edge of the bed one hand on her cheek and the other in her mouth; her expression varying between horror and absolute amusement from witnessing the scene before her. Ron Weasley, the ever confused man did not realize what had put his wife into temporary shock which continued just for the next 10 hours which involved Hermione sitting on the edge of the bed with her eyes closed and her shaking her head violently. Her bronze-coloured locks bounced softly as her head shook and her lips still parted in surprise.

Ron, meanwhile, being as dense the man was used a spell to dress up and went to office still in a daze with drool pooling at the corners of his mouth as stared at the golden grills of the lift at the Ministry where he was currently employed. He entirely missed the wide open mouths and absolute 'what the fuck' stares that people gave him as he walked past them his eyes resting as he occasionally knocked a poor unsuspecting and 'occupied-by-staring-at-his-red-scalp' victim. The day continued with a clueless Ron Weasley and the amused Ministry of Magic; unless of course his best friend and Voldemort vanquisher Harry Potter shows up to see whether the rumours were true.

'Why in the name of Merlin's baggiest Y-fronts are you BALD!' exclaimed Harry as he rushed and touched his friend's inflamed scalp which gave him the impression of having an oversized tomato for a head.

'Gngh. Yeah Harry, You look very baldy today too. Wow, my head hurts.' Ron said as he absentmindedly touched his head for the first time this whole day.

Then a piercing, girly scream echoed through the ancient and stony structure known as the MOM. Which obviously set off a few new protection alarms. Which unfortunately picked Harry as the offender and quite a few curses fell upon the poor hero who had not a clue as to what was going on. Well, at least once they managed to figure out through the many disfigurations that it was Harry who was captured and that Ron was the man with the powerful lungs they sent Harry to the hospital while a _very _amused minister sent Ron home to his still shell shocked wife.

_This is not going to be good, _was Ron's prime thought as he Apparated home.

He came home to find Hermione just where he left her, only she was touching his red locks that lay limply on the bed next to the Niffler, who was his present and who had it seemed ripped Ron's hair off as it was so shiny.

Immediately as Hermione spotted the haggard looking, red toad resembling and UGLY Ron, Hermione's expression turned one of disgust.

_Hello? Who does this dude think he is anyway? I'm so off now_, thought a disgusted Hermione, _No more pretty red hair for me, ah well, I'll find some one with prettier hair next time._

'OMIGOSH! Hermione! I can totally explain! Please, I beg of you. I swear I'll even start using toilet paper if you don't leave me!' were Ron's pleading cries as Hermione packed up her bag and got ready to leave.

As she packed Ron's pleading got even more desperate. 'I'll get circumcised! I'll never call you Hermy-pickle-pie-pookins! I swear I'll never eat my boogers in front of you! I won't even name my nose hair!'

And Hermione got more and more nauseated as his pleadings got more desperate.

'Sorry buddy. I don't do bald men.' Hermione said as he went past him and ripped open the door like superwoman minus the leotard and big hair.

Ron fell pathetically to his knees and wept tears of sadness.

_Who's going to date a hairless old geezer like me now?_ Ron thought just as Rita Skeeter stopped outside his door.

'Hello neighbour' she purred non-sexily trying to tempt Ron unable to recognize him as a hairless freakazoid.

_I just got lucky._ Ron thought as he smiled her way, Miss Skeeter pouncing on him, all 178 pounds of her. Ron Weasley was no more than a stain on Hermione Granger's beloved carpet which she sold because it had this strange mark which was shaped like a toad. Oh well, she got a good deal for it and that's what matters right?


	2. What Happens in Vegas

What Happens in Vegas

Following her divorce from Ron, Hermione decided to splurge on a Vegas vacation. Cruising across the Nevada sky on her new Nimbus 7000, she searched for a suitable hotel. In the famous "Caesar's Palace" Hermione booked an entire suite for herself.

_This is boring, _thought Hermione, sitting on her bed watching re-runs on the 72-inch plasma television, _I'm in Sin City, I might as well be have some fun_.

Jolting upright, she clambered off the bed and began rummaging about her little beaded handbag. After much thumping and groping, she found what she was looking for- a tint bottle of Felix Felicis! She took a small sip, then, feeling exceptionally lucky, she decided to try out some gambling.

So, she quickly got ready, remembering to use liberal amounts of Sleakeasy's Hair Potion. Soon she was descending the Roman-style stairs in a midnight blue cocktail dress and 5-inch high silver stilettos.

As her heels clip-clopped towards the casino, her eyes fell on someone by the roulette table. Hermione's jaw dropped.

He had curly, sleek blond hair and handsome blue eyes. He wore a linen suit of the palest lavender. But the most appealing thing about him was his wide, charming smile. It was, of course, Gilderoy Lockhart.

After a few moments of shameless goggling, Hermione recovered herself and walked confidently over to the roulette table and said, "Why hello professor, I see that your favourite colour still is lilac. How charming…"

"H-hello Hermione! W-w-what brings you here?"

Frowning slightly at his stutter, she replied, "Hmm... Probably intuition! I knew I would get lucky here."

"Ah! Yes, of course, you were always exceptionally bright, my favourite student! Yes, um, well I really must get going, uh; need to start early tomorrow morning..."

But Hermione wasn't going to back down that easy, especially being newly single. "But Professor, I could really use your help tonight. Maybe we should head back to my suite?" she said coyly.

"No no, I really m-must leave!"

"You're not leaving until I'm finished with you", said Hermione, batting her eyelids flirtatiously. "Why don't we have a drink?" she said, leading him towards the bar.

After many a drink, Hermione stood up, teetering unsteadily on her high heels, caught hold of Lockhart's shirt collar and dragged him to the hotel priest. The priest, aware of what to do, skipped to the end. "Do you, Hermione Jean Granger, take Gilderoy Lockhart to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Hermione hiccoughed, "I do." "And do you, Gilderoy Lockhart, take Hermione Granger as your wedded wife?" "Umm... Uh, I don't kn-" Hermione pierced his foot with her stilettos. "I mean, I do." The priest continued, "Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife."

Then, hobbling and tripping, they proceeded towards Hermione's suite.

Next morning, Hermione was ready to bear the after-effects of the hangover. She expected to wake up with a splitting head-ache, and was not disappointed. She sat up, yawned and stretched, turning to look at her hot new husband. But what she saw made her scream worse than the Bandon Banshee!

In place of the impeccable Lockhart was someone else. A podgy, dark-haired, very familiar-looking someone. It was Neville.

Hearing Hermione's scream, he woke up with a jerk.

"B-but, you're not who I slept with!" squealed Hermione. Neville simply stared at Hermione with his mouth hanging open. "Say something", shrieked Hermione. Neville blushed furiously and said, "B-but I love you Hermione, I always have." Hermione glared at Neville for nearly five minutes before saying, "But how did you… Oh, of course - Polyjuice Potion." Hermione mumbled. "Well I'm going now."

Neville jerked and said, "Where?"

"To get a lawyer", replied Hermione curtly. "A lawyer? Why?" said Neville, confusedly. "To file for divorce, of course. And fraud as well. Hmpf."

"But Hermione! I-I love you! Please don't leave me! Why are you doing this to me?"

Hermione looked Neville in the eyes and said acidly, "Because I don't do fat men".


	3. Truly, Madly, Dementedly

**Truly, Madly, Dementedly**

By now one would wonder what was happening in the ever exciting love life of Hermione Granger, it's been two whole months. Surely, Ms. Granger wasn't still single! Of course not and as the Daily Prophet so correctly mentioned (highly unusual behaviour), Hermione was dating none other than the so called sex god of Slytherin other than the hated arch nemesis throughout her Hogwart days…Blaise Zabini: the smooth talking, dark skinned, Italian man with his large hands and twinkly eyes. He could melt any woman's heart and Hermione just happened to be one who did the same in return. It seemed the gooeyness was mutual.

There was just one, teeny, tiny, minuscule, small, little problem. Women followed the guy like rabid fan girls that they were and frankly that freaked Hermione out, just a bit though. She was a Gryffindor wasn't she? She wouldn't let some rabid mad women chase her out of Blaise's life which was highly luxurious because of all the money he inherited after his mother finally passed away leaving him the riches of her 15 dead husbands. Yes you read that right, his mother always got it right, we still wonder how she managed to get rid of the pests we now know as husbands. Back to the story anyway.

Well, see Hermione was usually not one to be late or miss work but she did both in this case. Blaise's toned arms, the muscles on his back and arms which rippled smoothly as he walked, the dark hair which casually fell on his forehead as if in love with it and perfectly sculpted face. But mostly it was THAT part of the anatomy which kept Hermione in bed all day, exhausted and satisfied. Which woman wouldn't be happy with that, right? Wrong.

Women crowed around the Manor at all odd times of the night begging Blaise to father their children, it was obvious they just wanted to get in his pants, again which woman wouldn't? And while they made love all Hermione could hear was not the wild animal like grunts that usually accompany such activities as rutting to put it blandly; rather she heard the screeches of the mad women gathered around the manor waiting to pounce on the hulk of a man, with his black eyes which twinkled like freshly cooled tar, hear the seductive voice that beckoned these crazies in their dreams, undress the man in question in their heads. Yes, Blaise Zabini had filled out and decided to take a chance on a Gryffindor no less, which just happened to be the Gryffindor princess Hermione.

Which of course neither Draco Malfoy nor Pansy Parkinson could digest as they dropped by for lunch and whatnot, it didn't take much guessing to say that the two of them were busy in lustful activities, going at it like the Duracell bunnies when they disappeared together from the dining table. This new busy life that Hermione had led to her compromising her job and therefore she decided to pull an experiment to contain the powerful pheromones of a certain Zabini and she got to work. Of course Hermione was one of the best but even the best make mistakes. Because as Hermione brewed the potion she added too little Boomslang skin and too many fish eggs. Which she didn't notice (unusually for her) as she was running late for office. And so was created a potion which would make Mr. Zabini the most attractive man alive. The consequences? We shall soon find out as a sleepy and clad in nothing but pyjama bottoms stunning Blaise happened to chance upon Hermione's potion which was yet untested and in his drowsiness he happened to swallow the entire thing.

All there was left was an astonished Hermione who was run over by a mob of mad with lust women, women aged from 19 to 90, no joke. What Hermione discovered then was that she had made a mistake.

'Oh Merlin's pants! No! No! No!' her mind screamed at her mercilessly, she had just realized what would happen if she made the potion incorrectly. She apparated right through the wards specifically designed to allow only certain people in, only to fall to the floor….Why? Because her knees were so weak with lust she couldn't even stand anymore.

Then as she raised her bushy mane up ahead one of the most horrifying sights awaited her: A dementor.

'Oh Crap. I'm so dead' was Hermione's thought before the lust and fear in her were ensconced into a fierce battle which didn't last long because the dementor who just happened to be flying overhead their Manor, which just happened to have no protection against dementors, who just happened to be female (yes they have genders too). Because the dementor raised a bit of his hood and made a sniffing motion and Hermione could not for the life of her figure out how dementors were even capable of that.

The dementor glided across the grand living room and past the kitchen on her way to their bedroom.

'BEDROOM!' was Hermione's shocked though as the jolt of pure astonishment brought her back to reality. The dementor was after Blaise.

Hermione then stood up after what seemed a Herculean effort and ran behind the supposedly female dementor only to find the dementor trying to rip Blaise's clothes apart while simultaneously trying to kiss him. It was probably just sad how the dementor's puny brain forgot the minute detail: a dementor's kiss would leave Blaise with no soul. And then the make out session between human and dementor commenced till the dementor realized that she was kissing a soulless unresponsive body that feel limply in her weird arms covered by a hood.

Who knew that even dementors couldn't resist the bad boy charms of Blaise Zabini. Who knew there were female dementors. Who knew the earth was round and not flat. Hermione did, that's who.

And so the dementor left scared off apparently by Hermione's glare, if looks could kill. Or probably because of the glowing otter standing guard in front of her. Ah well that just left a bereft Hermione and a soulless Blaise in the room.

Hermione spoke softly into Blaise's ear then: 'Sorry, but I don't do soulless, demented creeps/men. Take your pick.' And with those parting words Hermione Granger left the Manor vowing to never to go after men again. Stupid creatures that they were.


	4. Unbe'Veela'ble

**UNBE'VEELA'BLE**

So, after a series of rather unforeseen and unfortunate events, Hermione was left, once again, single. _This is SO depressing! I'm charming and beautiful; I don't see why I can possible be single, AGAIN, _thought Hermione woefully. She was also still fretting over Ron. She had just got word from her old friend, Hannah Abbott, that Ron had just found love, once again, in Lavender Brown. Fuming over this, she went to meet Harry. "So... I heard Ron's with Lav-Lav again, huh?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Somewhat suspiciously, Harry replied, "Yeah...he seems pretty happy. Hermione, you should be happy for him!" "I KNEW IT! You're _always_ on his side! Even when he was angry with me for Crookshanks apparently eating Scabbers or when he and _she_ were together you were on his side! I shouldn't have come here at all; it was a complete waste of time." She took a deep breath and stomped away.

Now Hermione had new motives. All she wanted to do was make Harry angry; she was beyond all rational reasoning. After a little bit of snooping, and some help from her very valuable contacts, she found who she was searching for. Feeling slightly nervous, clutching the piece of paper on which the address was written, she knocked on the door of flat number 9802 in downtown London. Trying in vain to smooth her hair, she laid her palms flat down on her bushy mane. Just as she had given up, she heard a light pattering of petite feet, and the door opened. Hermione then laid her eyes on someone she hadn't seen in decades. Her hair was jet black, and reached till her waist. She was nearly a head shorter than Hermione with deep Oriental eyes and a small, vague smile on her face. Smiling brightly, Hermione said, "Hello Cho! Remember me?"

At first, Cho Chang just stared. Then her face broke into a wide smile of recognition. "Hermione Granger! What a pleasant surprise!" she exclaimed. Glad that Cho had forgotten her anger towards Hermione when the former was dating Harry, Hermione decided to press on her advantage. "May I come in?" "Of course! Where are my manners?" said Cho, slightly abashed.

"You know, Cho, I've come her for a purpose. I remember how upset you were after you and Harry broke up, and now I know how you feel. Me and Ron got divorced you see. And now I've come to realize just how troublesome the male sex is." "I hear you! You have no idea how many failed relationships I've gone through since school! I have actually even considered abandoning these vile males entirely!" said Cho, jokingly. "My, my Cho, you sure do catch on quickly..." said Hermione slowly. "I- What? What do you mean?" Cho said, evidently confused. Hermione got up, and edged seductively towards the sofa Cho sat on. She said sensually, "I think you know just what I mean..."

"I kissed a girl, and I liked it; the taste of her cherry chap stick. I kissed a girl just to try it; I hope my boyfriend don't mind it", hummed Hermione the next morning, while preparing a cup of hot Earl Grey tea. "Whoops! I forgot! I don't have a boyfriend to worry about! It felt so wrong, it felt so right! I think I'm in love tonight!" she continued.

So, thrilled with the find of new love, Hermione spent the next few days blissfully unaware of anything except her relationship. In the beginning, Cho was as ecstatic as Hermione. Neither of them felt incomplete any more, and Hermione also achieved her ulterior motive; making Harry as angry as possible. She had heard nothing from Harry since their last meeting, but heard from an oblivious Ginny, that Harry seemed rather distracted and annoyed lately. She had all but forgotten about Ron and Lavender.

The days passed, and Hermione grew happier with her new life, and lesbianism. But after nearly two months since she had first entered Cho's door, she began to notice a change in her partner. Cho seemed rather occupied most of the time, and seemed to spend lesser time with Hermione. This made the latter rather anxious and suspicious. Hermione was worried that Cho may be having an affair. So she decided that she must find out the truth. One day, when Cho wasn't at home, Hermione sneaked into the servant quarters, with a large pewter cauldron and her brand new bag of potions which she had recently bought from the apothecary in Diagon Alley. There, she sat down and got ready to make a very difficult potion- Veritaserum. So, over the next month, Hermione worked feverishly, poring over a battered old book, trying to get the right colour, consistency and smell of the potion. Finally, on the day of their 3rd month anniversary, the potion was ready. Hermione and Cho sat across each other at the dining table, sipping Firewhisky and eating a scrumptious meal. But little did Cho know that her drink was spiked with Veritaserum. Trying to sound blasé, Hermione said, "So honey! How's it been going at work?" "Pretty good..." said Cho. "Okay now enough of the nice behaviour. Are you having an affair?" burst out Hermione. Her eyes strangely vacant, Cho replied, "Yes." Hermione gasped. "With whom?" "Do you remember Gabrielle Delacour?" "WHAT? Fleur's sister?" shrieked Hermione. "Yes, her." said Cho flatly.

Hermione was too shocked to say anything else. She simply sat and stared at the wall for nearly an hour, by which time the effect of the Veritaserum had nearly worn off. Then, finally, she shook herself out of her reverie and asked Cho, "Why? Why her and not me?"

Cho stood up and said, "Because I don't do women with bushy hair."


	5. Air of Mystery, Hair of Slime

**Air of Mystery; Hair of Slime **

Of course we all know about the time when 'Voldy gone Mouldy'—as Peeves once put it—killed Severus Snape, but what we DON'T know is the other story that begun because of what you may ask? Dumbledore's utter genius of course. What else could it be? When our beloved Headmaster Albus Dumbledore made Severus Snape kill him he knew he was splitting Professor Snape's soul into two halves, one of which the greasy haired once-upon-a-time Headmaster stored in a bottle of what else? Graz's Great Grease Gloop!

Back to the present, a curly haired Ms. Granger has been hired recently by Headmistress McGonagall as the new Potions teacher owing to a lack of the same once Professor Slughorn decided that he's had quite enough of Hogwarts after a Slytherin set his robes on fire, the coward that he was, and quit Hogwarts for good. Now Ms. Granger sought after by many, many people due to her wondrous abilities with, well everything, and her innate intelligence not to mention knowledge of Muggles being a Muggle-born. The list goes on but Ms. Granger never at ease with her work environment or her perverted bosses as she had now bloomed into a beauty whose sexual needs could not possibly be addressed very well by her old and gray haired bosses to whose posts she got promoted leaving her with no one to satisfy her. Oh and also that little tryst with Miss Chang and the failure lesbianism had brought.

So then came Headmistress McGonagall with a new and brilliant proposition where she would have a chance to work with Professor Lockhart her old DADA professor who was still extremely handsome and finally employed never having had to tell the truth about his stories, he was also filthy rich. That was incentive enough for Hermione to pack up her bags and move to Hogwarts, again. But hey, what the heck? The pay was good, the men even better. She didn't exactly scoff at the idea of being cougar what with studly seventh years strutting about with such yummy goods at display.

'Focus Hermione! Teaching. Yes, teach them about the babbling beverage.'

Hermione's wandering mind returned to her classroom of fifth years staring anxiously at her face, at their new Potions teacher, the beautiful and highly renowned best friend to Harry Potter and Witch Weekly's second time Charming Smile winner, knocking even Lockhart out of the equation which of course made Lockhart chase after her. Which in turn led to strange events where Hermione woke up with Lockhart standing above her with a breakfast tray in hand or she turned a corner only to find Lockhart putting up 'I love Hermione Granger' poster. That amused the Slytherins to no end.

'Sweet Merlin! What is he doing in my class? That is crossing the limit!' So were Hermione's thoughts right before she blasted Lockhart with bat bogey hex, one which Ginny Potter had taught her over the summer after Voldemort's defeat. That made all the snickering cease immediately. Then Hermione went back to teaching just like that. Only to discover she was fresh out of bat eyes and hurried to Snape's old office which hadn't opened till now and began her search for bat eyes.

There she found not just Playwitch copies but also the bat eyes she came looking for and a peculiar bottle of grease. All these items she grabbed and stuffed into her little beaded bag and tucked the bag into her blouse. She returned to class just as the bell rang and gave up for the day, called in sick with McGonagall and got some Pepper-Up potion from Madam Pomfrey, the matronly nurse who still worked in the school even after an astonishing forty five years. She then retired to bed trying to find her reading glasses which she realized were in her bag, she put her into it and out came a bottle of grease which had just said, 'Hello' to her.

'Sweet Merlin! This thing speaks? ANOTHER HORCRUX! Where's the basilisk fang dammit!'

Then the thing spoke again, 'Ms. Granger is your name I presume? I'm Sev. Nice to meet you. You quite remind me of my friend Lilly you know. It would be kind of you to spare this half of my soul.'

'Oh,' was Hermione's intelligent response.

'Yes, well see I've been trapped here for a few years with only the better half of my memories. I'm not quite sure which year it is and where my body is.'

'Uhm well that's harsh. I think, that uhm, I can aid you in your search but I will first test you on where your loyalties lie.'

'That is to be expected and I shall withhold information on my identity till you trust me.' Droned the voice, it ebbed away leaving Hermione with little more than two nick names and a lot of confusion.

Then Hermione conducted a series of tests over the mysterious bottle of grease, even taking the liberty of applying some over herself just to see what would happen, nothing much took place other than making her extremely horny. Over the days the bottle challenged her intelligence in ways she'd never been challenged and slowly but surely the bottle and Hermione fell in love with each other. She spent hours speaking to it, way into the wee hours of the morning and it got stronger and then Hermione unable to control her lust for intelligent men decided to find his body and she was directed to the graveyard in Godric's Hollow, the place where Severus Snape had wished to be buried. She followed the directions which led her straight to Snape's grave and got his body up.

His body was protected by spells, never to rot and she admired his long face and high cheekbones and with one finger she traced the outlines of his face and did what she had been instructed to. She removed his clothes and started applying the grease all over him. Massaging his body, which wasn't required really. Then came moans from the supposed to be dead body of Severus Snape, and then he said, 'yes, yes! Lily keep doing that. You know that's how I like it baby!'

Hermione who was shocked yet incredibly turned on by his moans kept kneading his back and rubbing the grease on his body till the bottle was empty and Snape now sported a friction burn. Then his deep onyx eyes snapped open and his stare bore into her with such intensity she could feel herself orgasm right there and then.

'Sweet Merlin. I'm a goner now.' Hermione frantically thought as Snape continued to stare at her until finally; he kissed her, crushing his pale, wan lips to her plump ones.

That would be the happy ending one would think. But no, one day as Hermione and Snape taught a class together, yes you read that right, they taught the same subject together, their most promising student wanted to show them his Draught of Living Death. Snape went ahead leaving behind a disappointed Hermione who hadn't had sex for two whole days now due to their fight who then crept up behind him and whispered, 'I want you. NOW,' which scared poor Snape shitless. He fell into the perfectly brewed Draught which killed him. Now THAT was the end of Snape. You can't get him to come back for a second time you know?

At funeral Hermione simply said to the dead Snape, 'Sorry. I don't do dead men'.


End file.
